Friday, June 22, 2012

Value Added Measures Victory! First Lazy Bum Thrown Out

Jacksonville, FL:  George Hincklemyer, a self-professed lazy bum, was dismissed from West Ashley Middle School this year after fourteen years of staffing room 7A.  Hincklemyer had outlasted five principals in his time at West Ashley, but due to new Value Added Measures, current principal Melinda Harris snuffed him out.  

“We’re just as surprised as everyone else about this,”

Harris replied when asked how a lazy bum had managed to occupy a classroom at West Ashley all these years. “Mr. Hincklemyer had received outstanding reviews from former principals. During his evaluation by me, I first thought Mr. Hincklemyer was giving an excellent lecture over a Harry Potter novel.  Then I realized he was just speaking to himself when he put three chairs together and fell asleep still mumbling.”

Students in Hincklemyer’s class didn’t seem to mind.  “Most days during the fall or spring he didn’t show up.” reported one student.  “But when he was here, he told us some really cool stories. Mr. Hincky had seen it all!” When asked why no one reported Mr. Hincklemyer, another student chimed in, “Are you kidding?  Report Mr. Hincky and spend the rest of the year practicing taking the FCATs?  No way!”

Not every student enjoyed having a lazy bum for a teacher, though.  “He’d constantly ask us for spare change,” a student informed us.  “He needed a bath.”

Florida state commissioner of public schools is convinced there are more lazy bums posing as teachers in other schools across the state.  “By implementing Value Added Measures and more rigorous evaluations, we are determined to find all the lazy bums in our schools and throw them out on the street where they belong.”

When asked about his time as a teacher, Hincklemyer had this to say: “I’m going to miss having my summers off.  And the kids. Kids are great.”  Hincklemyer wasn’t too worried about losing his job though.  “I can probably make more money panhandling outside the mall.  If not, I’ve got several buddies posing as officials in the state house.  I”ll go there.”


  1. Well, there is this Governor Scott in Florida who approval rating are at all time lows. "The newest PPP Poll hands Scott a 31% approval rating, while 56% disapprove. His numbers are so bad that Republicans would rather see a little known Democrat named Nan Rich defeat Scott in the next election June 2012 (
    Now isn't it time the voters threw out this bum?

  2. The problem however with value added based evaluation systems is that they don't address the performance of the teacher they merely reflect the ability of the student to take a standardized test. If this teacher's performance warranted dismissal, why didn't the current or a previous administrator document, applying due process, and rid the system of his employment? Only weak, ineffective leaders must rely on gimmicks to achieve their means. The loss of due process, however, threatens the most competent of teachers.

    1. Ummmm, I just want to be sure, you do realize the whole thing is made up, don't you?

  3. @HM: as I just posted on FB with a link to your piece, I'm feeling very threatened as a cutting-edge educational satirist.

    As you can see, satire is lost on far too many Americans, mostly due to their irony-poor diets.

    1. Michael,

      Like I said, your comments often outpunch.